love me, or hate me baby.

Yuna - Rocket

2011-02-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

for my bonch(:

2011-02-08T05:53:00.000-08:00

turmoil with the wretched world
medicate the soul with written words
cleanse the mind off imbecility
where thoughts are desecrated
exposed to the harsh weathering of compliance
remain as you are, yourself.

observations tingle your mind's eye
realisations creep up, prancing about your consciousness
like a nagging pain of contempt
"look at them. basking in their inglorious ego, with opaque minds"
self-denial-- or is it mere blindness to truth?
pure disgust.

sometimes i think i am crazy

2010-10-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

clarity of the mind dissipates upon thought
thought-- a residue of all things unfulfilled
the veil over stupidity

think-- the balance of polarities dwindle as they waltz with emotion

reality from delusion
a stifling debate between a politician and a crack-whore

the politician is your man reality.
masculine in his strife to dominate the mind into righteousness and morality
he breathes confidence, and tortures you for all failures in life
yet, this regimented lifestyle seems almost planned
like a d.i.y kit to a controversial sense of a perfect life
ironically he would then seek comfort in the seducing arms of his mistress delusion

she is his escape from himself
a reflection of himself that she wishes to be
she is freedom
personifying the whimsical affair she has with life
where all things are in the limbo of daydreams? or a perpetual high on every ounce of cocaine?
yes-- delusion, she is an addict
an addict of a man-made euphoria
a victim to herself
a prisoner of her own mind
entrapped
truth becomes unbearably painful
she is not who she is, not who she wants to be
for she suffers from a volatile identity
playing characters to satisfy the "him" that pays for her time

him-- the politician
identifies himself with finances, stature and power
living by the ideologies he believes in
self-assured?
or merely shielding his vulnerability?
he is also not who he is, but what the world expects him to be

a twisted relationship they both share
a silent need for the other
there is no sense to this dependency-- perhaps complete nonsense
it is an innate feeling (i do not enjoy using the word feeling, for it makes everything meaningless)
a feeling that brings balance in their individual insecurities
the stiff reality and the erratic delusion

the two polarities that consummate the birth of you
your mind
your thoughts.

2010-09-06T02:06:00.001-07:00

youre the last person i would turn to.

2010-09-05T22:39:00.000-07:00

ironically,
it is like a weight lifted
the resonance of such meaningless beginnings.. hover
yet,
it all seems at a distance beyond reality
like a daydream that lingers
dancing between half-opened eyelids
an interest only fueled by ideas of the unknown
where the contours of such a wonder are carved by curiosity
when questions diminish into an instinctual knowledge
everything equates to a plateau of boredom
recognising this ignites a strange painful sadness
the incapacities
that perhaps everything was nothing?
that the beauty was a delusion
for there is no sense of loss
just a queer resignation
our opaque minds....
before i bid you adieu old friend
translucence permits happiness
and willingness will follow you through till the end.

2010-08-24T00:18:00.000-07:00

exposed
trampled

goodbye.

2010-08-20T22:30:00.001-07:00

if i am the superhero, who would be the villains..
an array of superpowers i can shop for
psychic powers perhaps..
or incredible strength
or the mere ability to heal

but one thing for sure
i would not save a damsel in distress
women make my life difficult
so why ensure the sustainable existence of a splinter?

2010-08-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

ravenous savages from my subconscious
pollute me
and i smile
a messed up head is pure bliss
happiness kills me
like a viral infection gnawing at my toes

i fill my time with wasted efforts
i distract myself with mistakes
a flaw?
i call it a worthless hobby

no impressions
no memories
just a residual thought that fades with realisation

like waves

return

2010-08-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

its been awhile since i breathed my cutting words onto this plateau
i am back

whirlwinds of immorality and imbalance
the shifts of thought
i lost myself

take a step back to rearrange the shuffled pieces of your life
wonder
to form stability within the self

blame others for your imbecillic blindness
and realise that it is just a circle
a circle with no end

i am me
you are 'the you' that you want others to perceive you to be
so run as far as you can
never look back
for i will never be there standing again.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2010-07-06T04:04:00.001-07:00

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Dynasty - Pedigree charts

2010-06-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

dear god
if you love me
take me now.

2010-05-29T00:27:00.001-07:00

flying solo seems to turn out not bad
(:

2010-05-27T23:37:00.001-07:00

sobriety came knocking on my door last night

and i hope she lives with me for a very long time

2010-05-26T23:51:00.000-07:00

my insanity is a tool for people to twist words in order to become faultless
brutal
so i vanish
because death seems to be taking too long.

2010-05-25T10:57:00.001-07:00

i can have anyone, but.....................

its still...........

miniature thoughts by the window

2010-05-25T05:47:00.000-07:00

the idea of polarities
minds filled with dissimilarities
the good from evil
the right from wrong

the you from me

as the ominous clouds of insanity
fill my sober lungs
the mind pounds the conscious thoughts of rationality, morality and all things that binds me to the social world into a powder that disintegrates into the grounds of insecurities
the skin i wear ripped apart by the beauty of truth
the flesh exposed
the flesh-- facetiousness
a humour so grim i scream for the world to hear that the 'she' has finally arrived
pain pierces every inch of my spine as a vile monstrosity is released

ME-- i am the monstrosity
raw.
bloody.
bestial.

beauty in the grotesque

can the world love me now?
an evident reply
no.

one does not choose a solitary life
solitude is choice less
you are only born into it.

2010-05-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

why attempt in being someone's fantasy
befitting monstrous desires
like a puppet
intellect is not a skill
the craft of words
shaping the letters
with a specific place and meaning
it is an emotion
a tangible feeling written with the strokes and swirls
that of which many have failed

why try to make yourself complicated and complex
heaving great burdens of profundity
when all she is looking for is simplicity
just the 'you'
wake up smell the decaying rubble under your feet
and think it as roses
for you torment her

and i do not like that.

2010-05-15T02:28:00.000-07:00

adorable
a letter

2010-05-10T04:56:00.000-07:00

waste

but did i say 'i love you' last night

after the tears.

2010-05-08T01:09:00.000-07:00

see how you easily forgive the one you love.

but never forget.

hold her hand while you sleep.

i like label-less girls.

one.

no cynicism.

but not definite.

wonders.

perfume jinx.

the choice.

separate.

irony.

a joke.

bliss in the self.

2010-04-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

judgmental, i am not
just speak
i'll listen

2010-04-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

see how the culprit runs
afraid
guilty
defamed into a beast
pride less
pathetic
denial of her crime
death of me

imbecillic joke

you.

2010-04-28T01:51:00.000-07:00

if you understand my silence you understand me
words are like shards that annihilates the soul of life
the truth
what truth
who determines what is true
if there is no definitive truth
lies don't exist
yet why use words
that are multifarious in their meanings
you say
you forget
you manipulate
you kill

and in the end you blame the other

bastards.

2010-04-16T23:37:00.000-07:00

i spoke to the devil before i slept
"dear brother,
why are we alike?
evil runs thick in our blood.
the incapacity to feel humanely.
the death of good with our presence.
why is that so?"

he looks at me with an endearing smile...
alike we are not, similar perhaps
you have the capacity to love?
a flighty emotion that whizzes around you like an intoxicating scent
enchanting
alluring
hypnotizing

love,
the very essence of my cynicism
a cruel game i play with the devil occasionally
the push and pull of euphoria and pain
self-torture?
torment?
masochism?
a part of being human.

an irresistible beauty.

my thoughts are the devil's words
droning in my mind
like a voice of insanity

he is there no more

i felt her breath on my nape
i held her hand and fell silently to sleep

after midnight

2010-03-08T06:23:00.000-08:00

it hurts the most when you can never get what you know you can get, or the idea that you once had it
it is the "what if.." that haunts you, the regret--
a metaphysical haunting that subtly creeps up on you when the subconscious supersedes
the you, the her that equates to the never
you take two steps forwards but it regresses into nothing, a a plain nothing--
i would not say plain, perhaps pain.
whatever happened to the happily ever after that fantasies have embedded into the minds of the naive
you are what i dreamt her to be, to save me from me
but the dream, a nightmare that kills the soul eternally
you are my saviour, my death and my key to insanity.

2009-10-17T01:04:00.000-07:00

no one understand the privacy that lives in my mind

if i wanted my life and everything that goes on it to be a public service announcement, watch the news at 9pm then.

why interfere?

is it an explanation, a saintly act, or just pure destruction?

yes i am a definition of imperfection but that does not mean you have to ruin the only thing in my life that was the exact opposite.

2009-08-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

the best birthday gift is CASH

to make my mother shut up

to allow me to finish off my educationl(1/4 a brain cell isn't much!)

to get me out of my monotonous job that feeds on me

to buy me more friends and popularity

....just to make my life simply happy!

(let's neglect the morality of wealth-is-not-everything and all that bullshit!)

2009-06-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

I wonder why many people remain indecisive when life was promised to be simple.
We were taught the right from wrong; God told us the good and the bad
We chose however to complicate matters with the ‘what if..’
I keep using We as if it was a unanimous decision to live as it were always a problem
But it truly comes down to the individual..
When at blame we never use ‘I’, it is always someone else’s fault for the way you have turned out
The financial crisis, screwed up childhood or the very simplest issues of being too stressed out
Is it not a wonder?

2009-04-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

my heart got ripped to shreds last night
not over the lame excuse of a girl, but the untimely clutches of failure
a failure to manage my own life where everything fragments
purposes seem all a waste
where your efforts fall through your fingers like those tiny grains of fine sand
flying with the wind to nowhere, for nothing
money
education
priorities
the mind is scattered?
what to do? where to go?
in solitude you drown in despair
helplessness
hopelessness
and there struts those idiots who sing to you
'everything will be okay' or 'we will go through this together'
i say, "SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
bullshit.
there is only so much comforting words or gestures can do
and right now it is not helping me a single bit,
give me a solution
show me the worth of your existence
a viable solution that is
not some conscious manifestation of your failing brains
j**us!

the mind wanders

2009-04-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

intolerance denies alcohol
so can you love me till i am sober?
many come and go
leaving promises they never meant to keep
a manipulative strategy perhaps?
you observe with yearning eyes (or watering bloodshot eyes?)
why is it as such?
a belief that god would bless all with love
but the deceitful devil cheats you through and through
they held my hands
kissed me endearingly
clasped their arms around my pudgey self
yet, i feel empty
sensing their insincerity?
is it obligatory? forced?
someone please answer me....

2009-03-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

both are manipulative pieces of shit!

geez.. wth was i thinking?!

calculative brats with no morals in life

god!

2009-03-06T23:34:00.000-08:00

moments of solitariness
i desire for it
others intrude
thoughts, emotions
i need freedom from expectations
socialised to have others in mind
they-- the culprits who developed my warped self-concept
why can i not be the person i am essentially?
why must you tell me what i ought to be?
just accept me as i am
even as fucked up as it is
is the world able to?
definitely not
so just absorb my facade and never know who is Me
a narcissistic entry..
a moment for myself

2009-02-24T09:32:00.000-08:00

why does she lie?

for calling me "mine"

but i never was "yours"

not in the heart

peculiar as it seems

nothing is as it is

2009-02-17T08:12:00.000-08:00

she really needs to know that i love her

i can't stop thinking about her

2009-02-07T03:09:00.001-08:00

i take back everything i said.

2009-02-03T07:31:00.000-08:00

she is the girl who has lunch in school with me almost everyday

and she wants a guinea pig

she is the girl that would sit with me in the middle of nowhere talking about nothing

and yet enjoying every moment of it

she is the girl who enjoys savouring chocolates with me

and who dances to my whims and fancies

she is the girl who cleans my wounds when i fall

and sings me to sleep

she is the girl that places me before anyone else

and that includes herself

she is the girl i cry to

and is my sole source of comfort

have i found this girl?

dream weekends

bake sweet goodies
bathe in the sun
sip on sweet cocktails
bask in pampering moments
embrace those i love
indulge in manicures and hairdos
sleep till the moon caresses my skin
drown in a book that tickles my fascination
savouring tranquility

2009-01-29T02:01:00.000-08:00

stupidity abhores me
naivety where belief sits atop lies and deception
they are those who hurt you
those facetious smiles that stab you mercilessly

i laugh.

2009-01-05T11:48:00.001-08:00

FUCK

the FREE world
smoking yellow boxes
minimum $3 ez link values
non-progressive relationships
greedy sluts (bisexual bitches specifically-- puki gatal!)
shit-all working hours (no sleep, no food, sore feet)
drunk horny customers
"feeling feeling" people who intrude your personal life
financial suffocation

2008-12-26T23:48:00.001-08:00

i am so drained

seriously in need of emotional support before i collapse and crack my head open on the sidewalks

slightly exaggerated maybe?

a job in a semi-bestial setting

where everyone loses their consciousness

women prancing about scantily clad and throwing themselves worthlessly at the male species

these supposed "Men" (eradicating the idea of gentlemanlinesss) have only a single thought in their minds

intoxicate these women and drive their hardened machines into the vacant holes that prop available at every headturn

the entire human population was like a mass orgy waiting to implode

not a pleasant sight at all.

sigh!

2008-12-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

they sit and stare blankly into space

the void

in this metal tube which moves ever so quickly

parallel to development and societal efficiency

individual thoughts.. thoughts that are entirely conditioned (you are made to think the way they want you to)

contented

complacent

they revel in instant gratification

society?

what has this idea done to God's creation?

he who created us to be simple, innocent and compliant to his word

conformity has transformed

no longer to Him, the higher order, but to the gears of technology

naivety

imbecillity

ingenuity

all of which are pieces of a puzzle that create and segregate

black next to white

brown amongst the yellow

or a tainted being sitting in the solitary-- like me

have they ever wanted to breakfree from the monotony

rebel against the norm

wonder?

give them an identity.. I scream in my head

but who am i to judge

i myself am a part of this vicious cyclical order

a member of this so-called society

yet, these questions set me free.

2008-12-10T01:35:00.001-08:00

she stares into your eyes and speaks nothing but lies

deceit

you never did realise

her facades are an endless pit

2008-12-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

Like a flower

She blooms before me

The once enclosed beauty, now radiating endlessly

The world only wants to have her in their visionary

With arrogance shes sways in the wind with subtle trembles

Oh her soft petals!-- how alluring

Intoxicating scents she exudes

Entices all seats of human passion

The need for her, the want

Yet, quickly she withers

Within her first breath of life

Her beauty fades like the residing tides

That move to the beats of the lunar drums

No longer does she hypnotise the peripheral

Devalued

She sits lonely

Scattered below-- strewn all over

The wind now her enemy

Trampled upon

Only able to admire those that bloom after her-- that still remain above her in the realm of sweetness

She sheds tears

Her helpless state

But more painfully, the sadness from her knowledge that they too will later suffer a similar fate

The price of beauty never is a choice

Twisted

2008-12-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

reflections

mutilations

fragmented

conflicting heart and mind

tears fall

unknown reasons

how do you know if you love someone when you have never loved before?

what separates love, lust and infatuation?

why do people throw these words around without a care of its value?

is anyone ever ready and strong enough to love?

what makes you love someone whole-heartedly and unconditionally?

can someone please answer my questions.

anyone out there who is reading this.

it would be a blessing.

2008-12-01T11:49:00.001-08:00

today i realise there's more to life than just happiness
there is the necessities to survive
not a survival upon dependence
but a survival based on the self
a solitary strive to live

i sit here in a semi-drunken state
eyes barely opened
but a mind with clarity beyond any state of sobriety
i awoke when you spoke to me
enough is enough
i need to live life on my own

yet, i secretly wish for someone to just hold me with utmost sincerity
and tell me that everything will be okay (hallucinatory!)
most importantly
to love me unconditionally
but, it will always remain a dream
for it is sainthood

so i ask of nothing more than solitariness
for all others bring me anxiety
beyond my capacity
i am sorry
for being me
just walk away and leave me
save yourself from such a tragedy
i beg you to believe me
it is a warning for humanity

2008-11-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

an old friend visited me yesterday
she wore an expression of sheer abhorrence
she saw hopelessness in me
disgust oozing from my ever pore as i sat there with all-too-much-flesh
the beauty faded just as my bones did
she cried
tears of pain as she saw me not loving myself anymore
victimised by my temptations
i now hold a strife with perfection
i need this control back
time is the essence

ironically,
my mind is on the edge of sanity
massive chocolate cravings
those cravings that never leave your mind
distracting you consistently
endlessly
i am wishing for someone to just pop up at my door with a huge ass bag of dark chocolates
that would indeed be love at first sight
damn!

2008-11-28T18:48:00.001-08:00

scotch.
goldstars.
slut.
hot straight chickies.
and the resounding words from arghie-poo
"it is a skill to make a girl squirt and a talent to squirt"
humph.

rainbow

2008-11-24T02:47:00.000-08:00

i hate being at home!
just kills me.
miserable as hell!
fuck miserable!
with that woman constantly checking up on you
kill her?

sucks all the more if you look like an obese monstrosity
with a body beyond recognition
and a face that should be scraped off its surface
yet, all you can do is stuff your god-forsaken self with hoards of food

argh.
madness
i hate it!

2008-11-23T08:51:00.001-08:00

as i was eating beef curry for dinner
weird things popped into my head

- what would happen if hippo and kids went into the amazon jungle?
- if i were to call myself a 'limp lesbian', does that mean i have soft hands?
- if you were to munch on something hairy, are there chances of coughing up a hairball?
- why am i such a peculiar person?

think about it..

2008-11-17T04:22:00.000-08:00

i abhore all those who deny what they are
and embrace what they are not
it is a reflection of self-denial
blindness to the reality of truth in the self
the vision only perceiving the vastness of their imagination
peering at facades
sickening
for many are victims
you, me and even her

i seek the courage to awake from this dystopian dream
although fantastical with its subliminal phantasms of the self
encompassing all ethereal beauty--beauty? monstrosity?
i want the truth
blatant cold horrendous
yet, the only saviour in our lives
the protector against us falling prey to the sensual clasps of the devil herself

follow me into the darkness
for that is where right is
but who determines what is right or wrong?
definitely not you, all the more never me
so realise
that nothing we know is what it is and what it is supposed to be
we know nothing
so just drink from the chalice of humility

once again thoughts as i stand at my window..

2008-11-11T08:45:00.000-08:00

a friend whom i love
i see her
beauty and graces
exaggerated perhaps?

2008-11-03T06:48:00.000-08:00

peel that make-up off your face bitch

who do you see?

is it a raw and ugly monster

or a natural siren?

bimbotic girls(how i absolutely detest them!)

well not so the born-bimbos(that i deeply love.. :P)

but the acting up sort..

the ugly idiots that act stupid

looking like a walking tragedy

but swishing their hair as though they are god's gift to men

masking themselves behind layers of cosmetics

caked up skin

over-rouged lips

stark pink cheeks

half-stuck lashes

and OH!

the shrill laughter

skrieking voices

limp hands that go flip-flop everywhere

GOD!

and the "do you think i am cute?"

look in the god damn mirror! it cracks...

or the "i know you miss me right?"

COME ON! i do not have the time...

wake up your idea little girls

the world is more than your cosmopolitan magazines

latest trends

dresses and heels

manicures

quit being imbecillic facades!

2008-10-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

i am a victim of self-deception

just that.

i believe easily

but many abuse me.

i trust unconditinally

only to be lied to repeatedly

i awake from all this today

weeping i say,

"i am sorry but i have to walk away"

2008-10-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

it is believed that a home is a private realm
a space where we feel belonged and that it belongs to us
territory perhaps
but how far is this true?
peer through the window of your 5-room flat
who do you see?
different individuals doing different things
oblivious that they are being observed
you watch the spectrum of lives like a a multi-screened theatre
some homes lit, others darkened by sleep
yet, everyone believes that their homes are a space to themselves

create a parallel to your life
you think you are an independent individual
self-sufficient, emotionally stable, a life of normal individuality
but how far can you go being alone?
i do agree that solitariness is savoured in this cramped world of ours
however, loneliness feeds on your sanity
we are all social beings
it is a necessity, to have at the very least another individual, whom we can relate to
a being to share our world with
we seek this person that gives understanding
someone who thinks and responses the way we want them to
never are we so lucky

all these words were streaming in my head
as i stood at MY window
smoking my pointless life away

2008-10-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

i was asked why i like girls?
my reply is how can you not like girls.

i love 'em curves
where you slowly carress and trace its coutours with your fingers
i love it where its warm
where it gives an awkward comfort that leaves her trembling
i love the sweet scents
from her hair, to her neck, to all those soft spots that i would kiss
i love the glowing soft skin
that would melt in your mouth, and even in your hands
i love the low seductive purrs
when she whispers sweet nothings in the silence of the night
i love the femininity and vulnerability
where i can shield her in my embraces
i love the jealous stares of envy
as i walk down the streets with her, as my own
most of all....
i love the connection

2008-10-21T10:10:00.001-07:00

it was not my fault tonight
violence came onto me before i did(miraculously!)
i walked away yet you kept charging
pushing me to the point beyond my tolerance

but i am sorry
sorry for giving in to frustrations

2008-10-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

BOO! tu is back. little monsters (triads!) scared ready not? the chocolate-chicken-cookies high TU! the one that laughs hysterically at nothing, that can never sit still and the one that cracks "jokes". well at least i think i am funny. HAH! and sometimes pun-ny. i know you little people missed me. right right? or is it left left? been all so emo screamo with nothing-O these past weeks. why ah? i am like talking to myself. (whacks mart hard!)
if there was two TUs then what would a tutu be? would it be her sister or brother? hmmm... such things are floating in my head right now. CUCKOO! okay. i am going to rollabout on the floor now whilst waiting for the sun to come up. so then i will be a tu-roll---->TROLL! HAH! OMG!

but do you think all this is a facade to hide the truth?

2008-10-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

a solitary day tomorrow, perhaps
as the night arrives, i wonder
where would i be?
not home evidently.
drunk, maybe
sober, if you are lucky

have i ever told you that i am a loner?
i actually enjoy being a social stigma
weird, i know...

would you make time for me?
would you come down to my school and have lunch with me?
would you accompany me through the nights, with beer and cigarettes, where the world becomes a fuzzy joke?
would you be my hobby?
would you dance with me under the stars till we drop?
would you embrace my flaws as though they are gems?
would you tell me the truth even if it breaks my heart?
would you adorn me with unconditional love?

what am i worth to you?

A A

2008-10-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

yes, i am an alcoholic. well, at least i believe that i am on the road heading there. i am not proud of it at all. i think its pathetic and demeaning. what greatness is there when you are dependent on something for daily living? i need to get out of it!
we can believe only so much, where we can restrain ourselves from temptation. but i say, i am weak. you give me a beer and i'll finish it in minutes. you give me a bottle of liqour and i will kiss it. so tonight, i have decided that i need a change in my lifestyle. a change of social circles, environment, and priorities in life. to stay away from anywhere alcohol would exist.
sounds like i am trying to achieve an impossible task. i hope i feel the same way tomorrow too. the very least, i should minimise the amount and frequency i drink. humph.
where's the much needed support system?

2008-10-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

here she sits
with yearning eyes
yet, the soul hollow like bottomless pits
where only her past justifies.
her heart's capacity once vast now mere slits
envisioning the capacity to feel as something which horrifies

her perplexed thoughts
suffocate her sanity
rhetorical questions answered by "maybe Nots"
she holds silence as her dignity

emotions and their subjectivity
so changeable it torments
her heart conflicting with the logical need for stability
consciously she prevents
herself from falling prey to vulnerability

perceptions of the self as a monstrosity
she exudes a facade of indifference
trying to save the one she loves from emotional complexity
leaving nothing up to chance

do you see her?
at that darkened corner
waiting for you to love her
not only now but forever
however,
these dreams are meant for NEVER
for she is a treacherous monster
instead, "Fear her."

2008-10-09T22:08:00.001-07:00

this is a very WTF thing to me!

so does that mean that if you do not have your girlfriend you are nothing.

pathetic rather.

so irritating.......

what happens to those that do not have a partner?

are they like worthless pieces of shit?

grr......

and why is girlfriend associated with a sexualised image?

are lesbians plain horny girls that all they want is sex?

so is being rainbow founded by lust?

i do not deny that their sex lives are real exciting, but it ain't all about that right?

humph.

2008-10-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

i do not understand ugly lesbian couples. i am talking-- seriously ugly. BOTH OF 'EM! their faces are as though a truck came and smashed it up in all the wrong places, more than once. they were like piggishly huge and pale as though they never came out when the sun is up before. pure lesbians they were. the black pig placed one of her fat hind trotters on the red pig's thigh. they were stroking, caressing and twirling each others hair( with 'em pudgey sausages, they call fingers). IN THE MRT!!!!!!! they just couldn't keep themselves off each other throughout the entire journey. do NOT tell me its love. love would not exist between them, it cannot exist, it will not exist because their faces would scare love away. its lust i swear. i could see the bestial need in their eyes. like wanting to devour each other. i swear its caused by ten thousand years of deprivation. SERIOUSLY! i have never been so disgusted and embarassed in my life before. LIKE NEVER! they have certainly disgraced my beloved sapphic nation. IDIOTS!

i wanted to take a picture of them last night. but my handphone DIED. the tragedy.

2008-10-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

i seek acceptance
from you, the world
and especially myself

let me give it to you RAW
up your fucking faces
as you know i am me

rude
arrogant
stubborn
egotistical
violent
hot-tempered
fragile
blunt
impatient
intolerant
pessimistic
a spawn of the devil
your biggest regret
all things you detest

so please spare me if you disapprove me simply just living
i would not blame you for hating, for i embody human abhorrence.

is it a difficult task that i am asking?

2008-10-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

i am so frustrated with myself right now, i could die from a heart attack this instant.

no details.

just angry.

2008-10-01T08:03:00.001-07:00

HARI RAYA. or as i like to call it liar raya!
its a day full of facades
pseudo smiles
mock happiness
hypocrisy
fake lashes(as if the world doesn't know that lashes that reach your eyelids are false!)
all things deceiving displayed on a beautiful tray before you
how sweet.........

you eat till you feel like what you want to throw up
carbonated drinks. sweet treats. oily cholesterol-high foods.
its a wonder how i dont break down as i stuff my face house after house.
perspiring like a pig whilst adorned in jewellery
feet tortured by heels
ooohh.. what a celebration it certainly is.
and they actually think the ka-ching compensates for everything.

but it ain't all that bad.
i still look forward to it year after year like an imbecillic kid.

(thanks kak eera for the kuih and stuff. HAH!)

2008-09-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

migraine!
and they gave me pills for nausea, painkillers, muscle relaxants and SLEEPING PILLS! (dormicum?)
over medicated don't you think?
but, thanks to smallie my morning was bearable.
lifesaver.
with taxi rides and "TIP TOP" curry puffs (the BEST ever!)

and i wonder why my mom doesnt buy a mop?
clearly i would look like a maid, in my shorts and tees wiping the floor on all fours, no?
spring cleaning
apparently my mom believes that is the true spirit of hari raya
bullshit. warped.
its brainwashing to get my lazy ass to do the house chores
tendencies of OCD. 5h on a room? that's record breaking.

and naz.
the flags ARE red and orange
i checked it in the sunlight
pfft........
but i didn't count them though!

2008-09-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

HELLO STINK PEOPLE!

cycling
sun. sweat. and NO incidents of falling! (my tendencies..)
4 crazy idiots in one office
with beer
resulting in numeous prank calls
impersonations that range from horny minahs to long-lost indian mothers

i like it alot!

2008-09-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

it was only this afternoon
i thought to myself
perhaps i have healed
to expose my vulnerability to those that are willing

but SHIT came knocking on my door!

when i say over
i mean it
no rekindling
no reigniting
no reminiscing even
(pathetic rather, isn't it?)

that is why being "friends" again is hardly an option
so do not wonder why i never acknowledge the existence
it is not happening
and it will never happen

wake up your idea.

2008-09-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

hollow
sonorous is the heart
reignite my soul
with a smile and caress
where i can wear my vulnerability like a cape
for you to shelter me against all pain
to rekindle my faith
to breathe belief

are you that person?
or a victim of your own delusions like all the others?
an imbecile who is merely in love with the thought of being in love.

answers.

2008-09-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

i was asked
"should you decide with logic or emotion?"
i would say, context

the heart
changeable as it is, may be the seat to stability for some
but its uncertainty breeds doubt
rationality is lost if the the heart overpowers the mind
the mind the mind.. is it our soul?
is not the soul the bloodlines of our hearts?
are they not parallel?
emotions cause murky visions
the waves of feeling hits us hard in its extremes
insanity

yet, logic
rigid cold common sense
restrictive
a strong basis, dependable
used with wisdom derives benefit.
but who defines benefit? would you not want happiness?
happiness lies in the heart? what is happiness?

CONFUSION

logic
a gift given which separates us from animals
but beastiality is it not innate? is it not the soul of some?

the simple answer "decide with both. for the heart and mind are connected through the soul. negelect one, and the biased outcome may be detrimental."

2008-09-08T23:23:00.001-07:00

insecurities stems doubt

the poison which annhilates truth

will you forever assure me?

with words of purity

a radiating soul that would comfort me

where i could lay in your warmth to an eternal sleep

visions that surpass this horrid vessel of mine

encapsulated

only to appreciate the self-- the essence of humanity

are you that person?

compassionate enough to love a monster

let your scent linger

for that is the very least that i can taste the ethreality of heaven.

2008-09-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

ARTICLE 2: Lighter

i'll flick you with my fingers, until you light up for me
baby are you burning up?
you die out when you're wet, baby?
i keep you burning with my hands!

2008-09-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

struck by a caffeine chocolate chicken high(you guys know how that is!)
smallie discovered that i have a wonderful mind
officially i have a new talent
*ahem* SEXOLOGY 101
i am able to sexualise anything and everything

ARTICLE 1: Laptop

definition: LAP-TOP
on top of your lap. it sits. when turned on it gets warm!

don't shut down before i turn you on
let me push your buttons so i can hear you *toot*
i'll plug you in so i can use you
you electrify me when my fingers are wet

and there you have it, the first article of Sexology 101.

2008-09-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

a celebration to remember forever....

19 19

the BESTEST after many many years

great food&company

i feel LOVED! and i love all of you too!!!

thank you for the surprise and for turning up.

2008-08-31T00:20:00.001-07:00

i enjoyed the celebrations last night pretty much

i had a great source of entertainment and alcohol

today

i somehow am greatly disappointed

the word "special" does not exist

i guess i am just a girl who is difficult to satisfy and is never contented (really?)

but the fact still remains

i am sad on this day(very sad in fact!)

sad and alone

"is there not even a cake mummy?"

oh well.

i will just study for my comms quiz tomorrow then

its just a day, 24 hours

the day i was born

a regret to many in this world

insignificant

cheers!

i sound so self-pitying.

nauseates me

haha.

2008-08-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

its a gradual transition from sanity to pure rubbish!

such is the day i turn 19.

2008-08-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

me wants loves for me birthday! no?

okay if anyone is a certified alcoholic and is free tomorrow evening
pls tell me.
so you can drink with me before i grow old.
i am so bored that is why i am writing this!

2008-08-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

late nights of intoxication
liqours, beers (smelly!), wines
i love it love it love it!
great company alongside belacan, snorts, private talks
hysteria and lots of PHLEGM!
breathlessness
yet, happy moments all the same
no worries smallie..

my first birthday present.. (thanks sssh!)

smallie gave me my i touch! *wide grins*

so hint hint to the rest of the world, (TRIADS!)

give me MORE! kidding la. thick skin!

2008-08-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

control
oh how i love it!
aimlessness killed me silently, as i intoxicated my life away each day
degradation
decay
over
thank heavens
baby steps towards betterment (or at least i hope so.)
the very least is the opportunity given
another chance perhaps?
forwards
to all those stagnating in failure
scum of the world
KISS MY ASS DARLINGS!

2008-08-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

i wish for someone....
who would pick me up from school everyday
bring me a home cooked lunch
with coffee at hand
a warm hug and a big kiss

i have infantile dreams!

2008-08-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

issues of low self-esteem

but i cant help it

i was born obese and horrendous

i know its just an excuse with the existence of exercise, diets, eating disorders, plastic surgery, make-up

i tried alterations of my own

some salvaging..

sadly, such is the appearance

so if you dont mind FATUGLY!

be my friend?

reasons why i zone out

detach myself

talk

2008-08-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

pessimist in the building! (points to myself)

knowing alot of people equates to having alot of talk, which often than not, is VERY bad. these people speculate, assume and conclude.

clueless.

so talk becomes rumour. rumour to gossip. and so on and so forth like a plague on the female society. TALK--how it irritates. a victim yet a perpetrator.

on most days i find myself bitching about the ugly world. i am not referring to the world, but the people in it. in my corner at starbucks, i people watch. with a coffee at hand, my eyes roam. rarely befalling anything that arouses the interest. HAH. a proliferating population of those that were born with the lack-ofs, never gifted with looks or just mere fashion-suicidal-idiots.

judgemental thoughts would populate my mind. brimming, it spills out as word vomit, or a hysterical laugh. weird. but i always believe that i have the right to do such things for i am no worse than the people i victimise.

i think my kind of talk is fine. its a comment rather. personal, yet public. the words remain in my head. yet, the eyes says all. "stare and insecurities erupt" but never do i appreciate falsely stimulated stories. exaggerated. twisted. deceiving. basically the idle hobby of girls who are already bored with themselves. sad isn't it.

am i succeeding in sounding intellectual? OF COURSE NOT LA!

i am just an insomniac with nothing else to do.

2008-08-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

a chapter closed?
but not yet forgotten.
perplexed minds
distracting thoughts
unsettling emotions
yet, left helpless as it is

watching
disgust
turned anger
turned disappoinment
turned abhorrence
love completely inexistent
the tears fall
for a life wasted
once again
stagnant in that hallucinatory realm
forced, i walk away
hopefully they remain happy
for i know the reality on where they will be
victimised as trapped souls on earth.

yet, blisfully they are contented
with the way they are
i only manage a disapproving look
why does such imbecillity exist?

that is the end of the story
no more.

2008-08-17T02:15:00.000-07:00

i want to watch the LOVE GURU!

anyone?

alcoholism

in school

in the office

alone in my room

toilets in the club

carparks

dark corners where i think is secluded

a bottle in one hand

a cigarette in the other

i swag like there is no tomorrow

happiness? morbidity? anger?

what do you feel when you drink?

all i feel is the burning sensation that tingles in my throat

the heat that spreads in my tummy

people might say its a decay of morals to do what i do

a sin in the eyes of god and all those whom are holy

i say this is my life

accept it.

alcohol. a friend a lover an objectification of me

i am alcohol

i intoxicate you

temporary happiness

hallucinogens

abused

when too much

you will begin to abhore me

purging me from your life may be the best thing you can do for yourself

yet again you're addicted

trapped

why?

break free. live life

2008-08-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

birthday list updates:

body lotion
perfume
handphone (if you're a millionaire!)
scented candles
a job?

2008-08-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

it is 2 weeks away from my birthday
so get your asses out there and buy my prezzies! (haha. OMG i am damn delusional!)
who cares!
here's a list that might help you:

a nice notebook
pens...MANY MANY!
lingerie (non-lacey pls.)
tee-shirts/ singlets
hair wax--> purple moving rubber (it disappears quite quickly)
tongue stud! (the short ones)
a piercing?
BOOZE!
sinful treats (chocolates are the sex.)
a hoodie (if you're feeling rich. HINT HINT!)
make-up
nail polish
hmmmm.... maybe the previous two aren't that important
you.

well basically anything and everything that you can associate with me. but what would be best is for you to REMEMBER to wish me. a lonely birthday is not fun at all! BOOHOO!

2008-08-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

let me tell you a little story.

tu and rah are girls.
they have a burning need to party with other girls
herstory
but they realised they do not have enough green in their pockets.
green doesnt grow on trees like leaves do.
sigh!
so here they sit
wondering.. pondering
yet, their pockets remain empty

to go, or not to go
that is the question.
or is the question more...
CAN THEY AFFORD TO GO?!

2008-08-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

confused

its the game of come-and-go

to hell with that!

is the queue getting longer darling?

tires me out really

i resign to the situation

the self may be ready

but conditions deter

a someone?

beyond love there is a need to relate

but of superceding importance is intellectual compatibility

not a face or a body that makes one swoon

to find HER, hopefully soon.

2008-08-11T23:09:00.000-07:00

hey let's go for dinner she says.
my mind screams SIMPLE DINNER. just dinner.
but hell was i wrong.

a night of chicken wings
lotsa booze
discussions on the birds-and-the-bees
great company
straight men. gay girls.
kopitiam
intoxicated fun

swaggering i step into the house. basking in the ambience of stale alcohol. there they stood. screaming. tears rolling down. sobered up after realisations.

she called me.
strange.

2008-08-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

there are reasons why its called a PERSONAL life.

for those suffering from a case of utter stupidity and do not fathom the word personal, it is defined as PRIVATE; concerning only me and every single aspect of my life. so get your stinking fat noses out of my business. it was greatly unappreciated. many boundaries were trampled on breeding this strong sense of hate and anger, yes hate, within me. i would tell you to go kill yourself but sadly you're entangled in this space i call my life.

so it may seem like i am over certain issues, where i speak with civility, smile and seem concerned, but the key word is seem. all there is in my mind is fuck you! and how much i abhore you.

privacy is something i cherish greatly. once breached you're worst than no one to me.

kiss my hairy ass. *smoochies*

2008-08-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish there is a person capable of prying into my mind.
comprehend the way i undertsand the world.
aware of the reasons why i live on the edge, why i like solitude, and why i live the way i do. to just be there when all odds are against me. to just understand, and not judge.

but irony survives on the fact that when emotionally unstable, i withdraw into myself. i believe i am the sole solution into appeasing my state of mind. (is it truly a mere belief or a fact?)
there is this strange wanting for someone around, yet i transform into a being unable to tolerate anything from anyone-- a ticking bomb?

patience null.

oh well. this self-analysing crap is tiring me out.
warning: just leave me alone!

2008-07-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

i feel like shit.

oh wait!

i am shit.

dying in 5 minutes!

2008-07-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

emotional whirlwind. of love and hate, laced with disgust.

words are like bait that hooks one to believe in the other. it tempts, it lures. suddenly you find yourself in a great deal of pain with no escape. helpless.

sitting there in a crowd yet dwindling in insurmountable amounts of solitariness. the detachment like a dagger twisting in the pits of your stomach. you force a smile, a painful one. you entertain, you laugh. yet in your mind you wonder, "why the hell am i here? why are the people around you imbeciles? why did you fall prey once again to the game that makes you look oh-so-foolish?"

many believe people change for the better, but i say NO. proven, it is a far cry from better, IT IS WORSE THAN EVER! decaying by the minute they sit there euphoric with the states they are in. feeling superior in their own worlds, thinking themselves to be moral leaders, wise and all-knowing. but little do they know, their minds narrow, selves shallow and experience null. so what if you are clad in those brands of the higher world. you still remain an empty vessel. a nobody. sad as it is, it is the truth.

who am i to say all this you ask. i am a mere realist. i see it as it is. i may be a victim of what i rant about. but the very least, i see myself as i am, the outcome of a degraded society maybe? so to all those that read this. wake up!

2008-07-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

porportions.

comparatively the single to the bountiful is miniscule. i emphasise on bountiful. hoards queue up before me, confessing, professing, and titillating her interests. yet, it is needless for me to care or say anything. 'like wind through your hair' as my mom always says. sometimes mummy is right, if i do say so. it is a fact that at the end of the day everything remains intact. there are reasons why limits and platonic friendships do exist. a "hi" can just simply mean "hi" , and not "baby i want to get into your pants." i wonder who the bastards are that have complicated such matters. their tongues and minds should be extracted form their diseased bodies.

which brings me to another aggravating issue: does silence really mean consent? well for me it does. if i do not say anything equates to being alright with it. however, it differs for many. what is unsaid may be the most important issues that are supposedly to be shared. (such an inversion!)

yet, there are times when words used and its implications contradict each other. the whole i-don't-care-but-i-actually-get-real-affected game. it reflects in her manner of managing circumstances, which is far beyond my comprehension. overtly paranoid perhaps? or is it just the normal reaction caused by insecurities? or is it both?

wonder wonder wonder...

2008-07-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

a house, but not a home
like tenants of a rented apartment. or even a prison perhaps?
such is life.

happiness came today. i was reunited with the "family" that i lost.
a godmother, cousins, and many aunts. though none are blood-related. but the love immense.
a feeling truly missed. a place where i belonged, am loved and i love. a home.
fractured, yet a whole. a jigsaw puzzle.
smiles. almost tears. laughter.
truths uncovered. realities revealed.

( i am 1/4 eurasian. 1/4 malay, 1/8 indian, 3/8 chinese)

spent the day with makeup, manicures and thai karaoke. yes, you heard me right-- thai KARAOKE.

a home cooked meal. i cannot even remember the last time i had that.

all my future saturdays will be spentt he very same way. ((:

2008-07-18T01:53:00.000-07:00

dear you,

never once did it cross my mind, that i would be involved in the crafts that entangle the scum of society.
-- in scum i say the worthless beings.each individual a burden to the world that we know it to be.
god gave them the consciousness and capacity to think ,to be superior above the animalistic beasts that exist.
but, tragically, their minds are lulled by stupidity for they engulf themselves in this hallucinatory realm where induced happiness is what they seek for. the obsession for that constant disgustful pleasure that feeds on their souls.
UTTER ABHORRENCE!

i would spit at every one of their faces if given such an opportunity.
sadly,i myself am victimised!
regret upon regret, i wonder why is it as such?
and it is today that i proudly say "baby that is ENOUGH!"

2008-07-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

temper temper

a girl with a very bad temper? (is that me i wonder)

or is it a lack of patience?

or is that the same thing...

cups fly

cupboards topple

hands ache

tears fall

the outcome

money

mummy

the things that i have a lack of and that stresses me

i hear she is getting a new phone, well asking my dad for it that is

and there i sit w a slice of bread at hand (my staple)

with a phone that isn't mine and silent for all the wrong reasons

wondering why does daddy listen to her sob stories

she is the epitome of hypocrisy

a master of the art

but i still munch on my slice of bread

a daily affair

in the silence

surviving

2008-07-12T03:08:00.000-07:00

shrill laughter
ear-piercing giggles
the endless fluttering of pasted-on lashes
fake beauty?
maybe
but she seems happy that deep down she's ugly
swish swish goes her hair
again and again and again...

girls
they drive me crazy
no pun intended for i love those real beauties
those female wonders that god created for us to cherish

BUT
their sensitivity
their hypocrisy
why?

its amazing sometimes
how one can detest yet lovingly obsesses
for i am a LESBIAN
yet, i say all this

LOVE YOU BITCHES! (esp... RAH RAH!)
-->by tu!

HELLO EVERYONE! I am SARAH! And I love Turaiya very very much. So everyone else can go away now. :) (Sorry, Shane!)

2008-07-04T08:59:00.001-07:00

do you hate me now?

i really don't give (secretly i actually do.)

but i'll just tell you to go fuck yourself!

who do you want me to be?

bitch

friend

lover

enemy

delinquent

geek

dream

nightmare

its just me

THE QUEEN!

2008-06-30T07:27:00.001-07:00

desperately she weeps

drowning in hope

but the other, she denies

with dreams where together they would elope

love one kill one

have none?

does she not hear me

whimpering beside her tender ears

silent cries of "please baby love me"

wishes to see her beauty through the years

insane?

as she is

hallucinating in vain

she strokes those soft tresses

of the one she loves

kissing those supple lips

basking in her sensual scent

dreams.......

awakened

the reality

it is the self that she feels

hollow

alone

cold

bare

never to be loved

2008-06-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

words
mere words
empty
void

baby dont tell me you love me
for i feel nothing
it simply whizzes past me
meaningless
why?
do you lie
lies
forever

now
then
tomorrow
nothing changes
saddened