i am kodok

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Thursday, October 30, 2008 [ 8:41 PM ]

i am a victim of self-deception

just that.

i believe easily

but many abuse me.

i trust unconditinally

only to be lied to repeatedly

i awake from all this today

weeping i say,

"i am sorry but i have to walk away"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008 [ 10:08 AM ]

it is believed that a home is a private realm
a space where we feel belonged and that it belongs to us
territory perhaps
but how far is this true?
peer through the window of your 5-room flat
who do you see?
different individuals doing different things
oblivious that they are being observed
you watch the spectrum of lives like a a multi-screened theatre
some homes lit, others darkened by sleep
yet, everyone believes that their homes are a space to themselves

create a parallel to your life
you think you are an independent individual
self-sufficient, emotionally stable, a life of normal individuality
but how far can you go being alone?
i do agree that solitariness is savoured in this cramped world of ours
however, loneliness feeds on your sanity
we are all social beings
it is a necessity, to have at the very least another individual, whom we can relate to
a being to share our world with
we seek this person that gives understanding
someone who thinks and responses the way we want them to
never are we so lucky

all these words were streaming in my head
as i stood at MY window
smoking my pointless life away

Tuesday, October 21, 2008 [ 11:44 PM ]

i was asked why i like girls?
my reply is how can you not like girls.

i love 'em curves
where you slowly carress and trace its coutours with your fingers
i love it where its warm
where it gives an awkward comfort that leaves her trembling
i love the sweet scents
from her hair, to her neck, to all those soft spots that i would kiss
i love the glowing soft skin
that would melt in your mouth, and even in your hands
i love the low seductive purrs
when she whispers sweet nothings in the silence of the night
i love the femininity and vulnerability
where i can shield her in my embraces
i love the jealous stares of envy
as i walk down the streets with her, as my own
most of all....
i love the connection

[ 10:10 AM ]

it was not my fault tonight
violence came onto me before i did(miraculously!)
i walked away yet you kept charging
pushing me to the point beyond my tolerance

but i am sorry
sorry for giving in to frustrations

Sunday, October 19, 2008 [ 6:13 AM ]

BOO! tu is back. little monsters (triads!) scared ready not? the chocolate-chicken-cookies high TU! the one that laughs hysterically at nothing, that can never sit still and the one that cracks "jokes". well at least i think i am funny. HAH! and sometimes pun-ny. i know you little people missed me. right right? or is it left left? been all so emo screamo with nothing-O these past weeks. why ah? i am like talking to myself. (whacks mart hard!)
if there was two TUs then what would a tutu be? would it be her sister or brother? hmmm... such things are floating in my head right now. CUCKOO! okay. i am going to rollabout on the floor now whilst waiting for the sun to come up. so then i will be a tu-roll---->TROLL! HAH! OMG!

but do you think all this is a facade to hide the truth?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 [ 8:32 AM ]

a solitary day tomorrow, perhaps
as the night arrives, i wonder
where would i be?
not home evidently.
drunk, maybe
sober, if you are lucky

have i ever told you that i am a loner?
i actually enjoy being a social stigma
weird, i know...

would you make time for me?
would you come down to my school and have lunch with me?
would you accompany me through the nights, with beer and cigarettes, where the world becomes a fuzzy joke?
would you be my hobby?
would you dance with me under the stars till we drop?
would you embrace my flaws as though they are gems?
would you tell me the truth even if it breaks my heart?
would you adorn me with unconditional love?

what am i worth to you?

A A

Sunday, October 12, 2008 [ 8:32 AM ]

yes, i am an alcoholic. well, at least i believe that i am on the road heading there. i am not proud of it at all. i think its pathetic and demeaning. what greatness is there when you are dependent on something for daily living? i need to get out of it!
we can believe only so much, where we can restrain ourselves from temptation. but i say, i am weak. you give me a beer and i'll finish it in minutes. you give me a bottle of liqour and i will kiss it. so tonight, i have decided that i need a change in my lifestyle. a change of social circles, environment, and priorities in life. to stay away from anywhere alcohol would exist.
sounds like i am trying to achieve an impossible task. i hope i feel the same way tomorrow too. the very least, i should minimise the amount and frequency i drink. humph.
where's the much needed support system?

[ 7:57 AM ]

here she sits
with yearning eyes
yet, the soul hollow like bottomless pits
where only her past justifies.
her heart's capacity once vast now mere slits
envisioning the capacity to feel as something which horrifies

her perplexed thoughts
suffocate her sanity
rhetorical questions answered by "maybe Nots"
she holds silence as her dignity

emotions and their subjectivity
so changeable it torments
her heart conflicting with the logical need for stability
consciously she prevents
herself from falling prey to vulnerability

perceptions of the self as a monstrosity
she exudes a facade of indifference
trying to save the one she loves from emotional complexity
leaving nothing up to chance

do you see her?
at that darkened corner
waiting for you to love her
not only now but forever
however,
these dreams are meant for NEVER
for she is a treacherous monster
instead, "Fear her."

Thursday, October 9, 2008 [ 10:08 PM ]

this is a very WTF thing to me!

so does that mean that if you do not have your girlfriend you are nothing.

pathetic rather.

so irritating.......

what happens to those that do not have a partner?

are they like worthless pieces of shit?

grr......

and why is girlfriend associated with a sexualised image?

are lesbians plain horny girls that all they want is sex?

so is being rainbow founded by lust?

i do not deny that their sex lives are real exciting, but it ain't all about that right?

humph.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008 [ 8:47 PM ]

i do not understand ugly lesbian couples. i am talking-- seriously ugly. BOTH OF 'EM! their faces are as though a truck came and smashed it up in all the wrong places, more than once. they were like piggishly huge and pale as though they never came out when the sun is up before. pure lesbians they were. the black pig placed one of her fat hind trotters on the red pig's thigh. they were stroking, caressing and twirling each others hair( with 'em pudgey sausages, they call fingers). IN THE MRT!!!!!!! they just couldn't keep themselves off each other throughout the entire journey. do NOT tell me its love. love would not exist between them, it cannot exist, it will not exist because their faces would scare love away. its lust i swear. i could see the bestial need in their eyes. like wanting to devour each other. i swear its caused by ten thousand years of deprivation. SERIOUSLY! i have never been so disgusted and embarassed in my life before. LIKE NEVER! they have certainly disgraced my beloved sapphic nation. IDIOTS!

i wanted to take a picture of them last night. but my handphone DIED. the tragedy.

Saturday, October 4, 2008 [ 11:42 PM ]

i seek acceptance
from you, the world
and especially myself

let me give it to you RAW
up your fucking faces
as you know i am me

rude
arrogant
stubborn
egotistical
violent
hot-tempered
fragile
blunt
impatient
intolerant
pessimistic
a spawn of the devil
your biggest regret
all things you detest

so please spare me if you disapprove me simply just living
i would not blame you for hating, for i embody human abhorrence.

is it a difficult task that i am asking?

[ 5:43 PM ]

i am so frustrated with myself right now, i could die from a heart attack this instant.

no details.

just angry.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008 [ 8:03 AM ]

HARI RAYA. or as i like to call it liar raya!
its a day full of facades
pseudo smiles
mock happiness
hypocrisy
fake lashes(as if the world doesn't know that lashes that reach your eyelids are false!)
all things deceiving displayed on a beautiful tray before you
how sweet.........

you eat till you feel like what you want to throw up
carbonated drinks. sweet treats. oily cholesterol-high foods.
its a wonder how i dont break down as i stuff my face house after house.
perspiring like a pig whilst adorned in jewellery
feet tortured by heels
ooohh.. what a celebration it certainly is.
and they actually think the ka-ching compensates for everything.

but it ain't all that bad.
i still look forward to it year after year like an imbecillic kid.

(thanks kak eera for the kuih and stuff. HAH!)