i am kodok

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Sunday, August 31, 2008 [ 12:20 AM ]

i enjoyed the celebrations last night pretty much

i had a great source of entertainment and alcohol

today

i somehow am greatly disappointed

the word "special" does not exist

i guess i am just a girl who is difficult to satisfy and is never contented (really?)

but the fact still remains

i am sad on this day(very sad in fact!)

sad and alone

"is there not even a cake mummy?"

oh well.

i will just study for my comms quiz tomorrow then

its just a day, 24 hours

the day i was born

a regret to many in this world

insignificant

cheers!

i sound so self-pitying.

nauseates me

haha.

Saturday, August 30, 2008 [ 8:06 PM ]

its a gradual transition from sanity to pure rubbish!

such is the day i turn 19.

Friday, August 29, 2008 [ 8:20 AM ]

me wants loves for me birthday! no?

okay if anyone is a certified alcoholic and is free tomorrow evening
pls tell me.
so you can drink with me before i grow old.
i am so bored that is why i am writing this!

Thursday, August 28, 2008 [ 8:23 AM ]

late nights of intoxication
liqours, beers (smelly!), wines
i love it love it love it!
great company alongside belacan, snorts, private talks
hysteria and lots of PHLEGM!
breathlessness
yet, happy moments all the same
no worries smallie..

my first birthday present.. (thanks sssh!)

smallie gave me my i touch! *wide grins*

so hint hint to the rest of the world, (TRIADS!)

give me MORE! kidding la. thick skin!

Monday, August 25, 2008 [ 9:36 AM ]

control
oh how i love it!
aimlessness killed me silently, as i intoxicated my life away each day
degradation
decay
over
thank heavens
baby steps towards betterment (or at least i hope so.)
the very least is the opportunity given
another chance perhaps?
forwards
to all those stagnating in failure
scum of the world
KISS MY ASS DARLINGS!

Sunday, August 24, 2008 [ 10:06 AM ]

i wish for someone....
who would pick me up from school everyday
bring me a home cooked lunch
with coffee at hand
a warm hug and a big kiss

i have infantile dreams!

[ 9:45 AM ]

issues of low self-esteem

but i cant help it

i was born obese and horrendous

i know its just an excuse with the existence of exercise, diets, eating disorders, plastic surgery, make-up

i tried alterations of my own

some salvaging..

sadly, such is the appearance

so if you dont mind FATUGLY!

be my friend?

reasons why i zone out

detach myself

talk

Friday, August 22, 2008 [ 10:10 AM ]

pessimist in the building! (points to myself)

knowing alot of people equates to having alot of talk, which often than not, is VERY bad. these people speculate, assume and conclude.

clueless.

so talk becomes rumour. rumour to gossip. and so on and so forth like a plague on the female society. TALK--how it irritates. a victim yet a perpetrator.

on most days i find myself bitching about the ugly world. i am not referring to the world, but the people in it. in my corner at starbucks, i people watch. with a coffee at hand, my eyes roam. rarely befalling anything that arouses the interest. HAH. a proliferating population of those that were born with the lack-ofs, never gifted with looks or just mere fashion-suicidal-idiots.

judgemental thoughts would populate my mind. brimming, it spills out as word vomit, or a hysterical laugh. weird. but i always believe that i have the right to do such things for i am no worse than the people i victimise.

i think my kind of talk is fine. its a comment rather. personal, yet public. the words remain in my head. yet, the eyes says all. "stare and insecurities erupt" but never do i appreciate falsely stimulated stories. exaggerated. twisted. deceiving. basically the idle hobby of girls who are already bored with themselves. sad isn't it.

am i succeeding in sounding intellectual? OF COURSE NOT LA!

i am just an insomniac with nothing else to do.

Sunday, August 17, 2008 [ 9:47 PM ]

a chapter closed?
but not yet forgotten.
perplexed minds
distracting thoughts
unsettling emotions
yet, left helpless as it is

watching
disgust
turned anger
turned disappoinment
turned abhorrence
love completely inexistent
the tears fall
for a life wasted
once again
stagnant in that hallucinatory realm
forced, i walk away
hopefully they remain happy
for i know the reality on where they will be
victimised as trapped souls on earth.

yet, blisfully they are contented
with the way they are
i only manage a disapproving look
why does such imbecillity exist?

that is the end of the story
no more.

[ 2:15 AM ]

i want to watch the LOVE GURU!

anyone?

alcoholism

in school

in the office

alone in my room

toilets in the club

carparks

dark corners where i think is secluded

a bottle in one hand

a cigarette in the other

i swag like there is no tomorrow

happiness? morbidity? anger?

what do you feel when you drink?

all i feel is the burning sensation that tingles in my throat

the heat that spreads in my tummy

people might say its a decay of morals to do what i do

a sin in the eyes of god and all those whom are holy

i say this is my life

accept it.

alcohol. a friend a lover an objectification of me

i am alcohol

i intoxicate you

temporary happiness

hallucinogens

abused

when too much

you will begin to abhore me

purging me from your life may be the best thing you can do for yourself

yet again you're addicted

trapped

why?

break free. live life

Friday, August 15, 2008 [ 10:29 AM ]

birthday list updates:

body lotion
perfume
handphone (if you're a millionaire!)
scented candles
a job?

Thursday, August 14, 2008 [ 9:12 PM ]

it is 2 weeks away from my birthday
so get your asses out there and buy my prezzies! (haha. OMG i am damn delusional!)
who cares!
here's a list that might help you:

a nice notebook
pens...MANY MANY!
lingerie (non-lacey pls.)
tee-shirts/ singlets
hair wax--> purple moving rubber (it disappears quite quickly)
tongue stud! (the short ones)
a piercing?
BOOZE!
sinful treats (chocolates are the sex.)
a hoodie (if you're feeling rich. HINT HINT!)
make-up
nail polish
hmmmm.... maybe the previous two aren't that important
you.

well basically anything and everything that you can associate with me. but what would be best is for you to REMEMBER to wish me. a lonely birthday is not fun at all! BOOHOO!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008 [ 8:38 PM ]

let me tell you a little story.

tu and rah are girls.
they have a burning need to party with other girls
herstory
but they realised they do not have enough green in their pockets.
green doesnt grow on trees like leaves do.
sigh!
so here they sit
wondering.. pondering
yet, their pockets remain empty

to go, or not to go
that is the question.
or is the question more...
CAN THEY AFFORD TO GO?!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 [ 10:33 AM ]

confused

its the game of come-and-go

to hell with that!

is the queue getting longer darling?

tires me out really

i resign to the situation

the self may be ready

but conditions deter

a someone?

beyond love there is a need to relate

but of superceding importance is intellectual compatibility

not a face or a body that makes one swoon

to find HER, hopefully soon.

Monday, August 11, 2008 [ 11:09 PM ]

hey let's go for dinner she says.
my mind screams SIMPLE DINNER. just dinner.
but hell was i wrong.

a night of chicken wings
lotsa booze
discussions on the birds-and-the-bees
great company
straight men. gay girls.
kopitiam
intoxicated fun

swaggering i step into the house. basking in the ambience of stale alcohol. there they stood. screaming. tears rolling down. sobered up after realisations.

she called me.
strange.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008 [ 11:58 PM ]

there are reasons why its called a PERSONAL life.

for those suffering from a case of utter stupidity and do not fathom the word personal, it is defined as PRIVATE; concerning only me and every single aspect of my life. so get your stinking fat noses out of my business. it was greatly unappreciated. many boundaries were trampled on breeding this strong sense of hate and anger, yes hate, within me. i would tell you to go kill yourself but sadly you're entangled in this space i call my life.

so it may seem like i am over certain issues, where i speak with civility, smile and seem concerned, but the key word is seem. all there is in my mind is fuck you! and how much i abhore you.

privacy is something i cherish greatly. once breached you're worst than no one to me.

kiss my hairy ass. *smoochies*

Saturday, August 2, 2008 [ 8:08 AM ]

sometimes i wish there is a person capable of prying into my mind.
comprehend the way i undertsand the world.
aware of the reasons why i live on the edge, why i like solitude, and why i live the way i do. to just be there when all odds are against me. to just understand, and not judge.

but irony survives on the fact that when emotionally unstable, i withdraw into myself. i believe i am the sole solution into appeasing my state of mind. (is it truly a mere belief or a fact?)
there is this strange wanting for someone around, yet i transform into a being unable to tolerate anything from anyone-- a ticking bomb?

patience null.

oh well. this self-analysing crap is tiring me out.
warning: just leave me alone!