i am kodok

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Thursday, July 31, 2008 [ 10:49 PM ]

i feel like shit.

oh wait!

i am shit.

dying in 5 minutes!

Monday, July 28, 2008 [ 7:37 AM ]

emotional whirlwind. of love and hate, laced with disgust.

words are like bait that hooks one to believe in the other. it tempts, it lures. suddenly you find yourself in a great deal of pain with no escape. helpless.

sitting there in a crowd yet dwindling in insurmountable amounts of solitariness. the detachment like a dagger twisting in the pits of your stomach. you force a smile, a painful one. you entertain, you laugh. yet in your mind you wonder, "why the hell am i here? why are the people around you imbeciles? why did you fall prey once again to the game that makes you look oh-so-foolish?"

many believe people change for the better, but i say NO. proven, it is a far cry from better, IT IS WORSE THAN EVER! decaying by the minute they sit there euphoric with the states they are in. feeling superior in their own worlds, thinking themselves to be moral leaders, wise and all-knowing. but little do they know, their minds narrow, selves shallow and experience null. so what if you are clad in those brands of the higher world. you still remain an empty vessel. a nobody. sad as it is, it is the truth.

who am i to say all this you ask. i am a mere realist. i see it as it is. i may be a victim of what i rant about. but the very least, i see myself as i am, the outcome of a degraded society maybe? so to all those that read this. wake up!

Thursday, July 24, 2008 [ 7:59 AM ]

porportions.

comparatively the single to the bountiful is miniscule. i emphasise on bountiful. hoards queue up before me, confessing, professing, and titillating her interests. yet, it is needless for me to care or say anything. 'like wind through your hair' as my mom always says. sometimes mummy is right, if i do say so. it is a fact that at the end of the day everything remains intact. there are reasons why limits and platonic friendships do exist. a "hi" can just simply mean "hi" , and not "baby i want to get into your pants." i wonder who the bastards are that have complicated such matters. their tongues and minds should be extracted form their diseased bodies.

which brings me to another aggravating issue: does silence really mean consent? well for me it does. if i do not say anything equates to being alright with it. however, it differs for many. what is unsaid may be the most important issues that are supposedly to be shared. (such an inversion!)

yet, there are times when words used and its implications contradict each other. the whole i-don't-care-but-i-actually-get-real-affected game. it reflects in her manner of managing circumstances, which is far beyond my comprehension. overtly paranoid perhaps? or is it just the normal reaction caused by insecurities? or is it both?

wonder wonder wonder...

Saturday, July 19, 2008 [ 8:34 AM ]

a house, but not a home
like tenants of a rented apartment. or even a prison perhaps?
such is life.

happiness came today. i was reunited with the "family" that i lost.
a godmother, cousins, and many aunts. though none are blood-related. but the love immense.
a feeling truly missed. a place where i belonged, am loved and i love. a home.
fractured, yet a whole. a jigsaw puzzle.
smiles. almost tears. laughter.
truths uncovered. realities revealed.

( i am 1/4 eurasian. 1/4 malay, 1/8 indian, 3/8 chinese)

spent the day with makeup, manicures and thai karaoke. yes, you heard me right-- thai KARAOKE.

a home cooked meal. i cannot even remember the last time i had that.

all my future saturdays will be spentt he very same way. ((:

Friday, July 18, 2008 [ 1:53 AM ]

dear you,

never once did it cross my mind, that i would be involved in the crafts that entangle the scum of society.
-- in scum i say the worthless beings.each individual a burden to the world that we know it to be.
god gave them the consciousness and capacity to think ,to be superior above the animalistic beasts that exist.
but, tragically, their minds are lulled by stupidity for they engulf themselves in this hallucinatory realm where induced happiness is what they seek for. the obsession for that constant disgustful pleasure that feeds on their souls.
UTTER ABHORRENCE!

i would spit at every one of their faces if given such an opportunity.
sadly,i myself am victimised!
regret upon regret, i wonder why is it as such?
and it is today that i proudly say "baby that is ENOUGH!"

Wednesday, July 16, 2008 [ 10:44 PM ]

temper temper

a girl with a very bad temper? (is that me i wonder)

or is it a lack of patience?

or is that the same thing...

cups fly

cupboards topple

hands ache

tears fall

the outcome

money

mummy

the things that i have a lack of and that stresses me

i hear she is getting a new phone, well asking my dad for it that is

and there i sit w a slice of bread at hand (my staple)

with a phone that isn't mine and silent for all the wrong reasons

wondering why does daddy listen to her sob stories

she is the epitome of hypocrisy

a master of the art

but i still munch on my slice of bread

a daily affair

in the silence

surviving

Saturday, July 12, 2008 [ 3:08 AM ]

shrill laughter
ear-piercing giggles
the endless fluttering of pasted-on lashes
fake beauty?
maybe
but she seems happy that deep down she's ugly
swish swish goes her hair
again and again and again...

girls
they drive me crazy
no pun intended for i love those real beauties
those female wonders that god created for us to cherish

BUT
their sensitivity
their hypocrisy
why?

its amazing sometimes
how one can detest yet lovingly obsesses
for i am a LESBIAN
yet, i say all this

LOVE YOU BITCHES! (esp... RAH RAH!)
-->by tu!

HELLO EVERYONE! I am SARAH! And I love Turaiya very very much. So everyone else can go away now. :) (Sorry, Shane!)

Friday, July 4, 2008 [ 8:59 AM ]

do you hate me now?

i really don't give (secretly i actually do.)

but i'll just tell you to go fuck yourself!

who do you want me to be?

bitch

friend

lover

enemy

delinquent

geek

dream

nightmare

its just me

THE QUEEN!