i am kodok

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my voice

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 [ 8:18 AM ]

a significant night

the melancholy
it is in these times that i miss her all so greatly
for i do love her immensely

yet she is nowhere in sight

so very distant
my heart left vacant
void off my burning penchant

but i do see the light

soon it will all be over
a few weeks and it will all be a mere 'remember...'
though apart i would still love her---

once again.....

Tuesday, April 24, 2007 [ 6:42 AM ]

finality of circumstance
a point of no return
i expected a reason to wait
but none given
demands for time?
i am barren
2 weeks once again
to cleanse myself

from the pain
from the pain
all the loss is not lost
it is the birth of a new day.

listen.

Monday, April 23, 2007 [ 6:21 AM ]

i need someone to be here for me
yet, my cries are never heard
i wallow in vulnerability
i am tired
forced into self-reliance once again
i choose nonchalance instead
i ignore
solace in my silence.
void off emotion
i stare blankly....

perceptions.

Saturday, April 21, 2007 [ 9:19 PM ]

a drop of that detestful evil
diminishes sanity
sends conscience in a whirlwind
unaware
your world spins

you scream
foolishness absurdity disgust
proclamations and exclamations of utter imbecillity
lost control, you dwindle in illusion

you wretch
its out
left with physical pain
scarred by emotional pain
degradation of integrity

i spit at your face
you reek
disgraceful.

resurrection.

[ 5:14 AM ]

live by this.
perfection
some may call it a disorder
but i call it a relisation, a lifestyle.

i fight my nemesis.
instigated by sharp words
the rebirth of aimilub.

"despite being aware of the dangers, we fight for thinspiration."

Friday, April 20, 2007 [ 9:45 AM ]

BACK IN THE DAY....

always with an attitude... (sec2)

i was a HAPPY kid! (sec1)

TRANSITION...

the life i lived (sec4)

NOW....

with my most favourite people (J1)

now you've seen me.

lalalalala....

Thursday, April 19, 2007 [ 8:09 AM ]

JACK'S CHEESECAKE!! (it made my day, a couple of bites in the morning and i was soaring. GOD sent i tell you...)
the day was uber good.
'digress to digest' if you know what i mean.
sarah, mart, laina and me were like FUUULLLLL! delicious....
shawn shared with me a secret that i am elated about. OH OH OH!!!!

the issue of obesity still nags me at times
but i am starting to get over it
heck the exercise; eat what you want; live your life
so if you don't recognise me the next time you see me.. your problem!

the present.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 [ 7:33 AM ]

finally, i accept me as ME
never able to escape from OBESITY
stuck in this FAT rut
do you understand what i am saying?

i have always wanted to be beautiful and skinny
like all the other girls out there
but, god never did want to bless me with that
instead, i am as i am

why?!

yet another failure for me
inevitability
first my moral stature,
then my education
and now even my appearance

i chose reality
over self-denial
is it wrong?
so please do not contradict me, and just accept the world i present to you
it is the least you can do.

it was meant to be happy.

Friday, April 13, 2007 [ 6:52 AM ]

today was expected to be good. it being a friday, start of the weekend. it kinda fell short with my PW results and all. i put in a hell load of effort for it, rehearsed my presentation quite a few times and i was sure to be graded something reasonable. but failure fell upon me once AGAIN and i got a fucking 'C' for it. from that moment on, my day when plunging down. i exploded on every single person whom i came into contact with. from my friends, to my mom. i was seeking a sort of comfort from everyone. it was efforts that reaped nothing. instead, everyone critisized me and gave me a "you should've worked harder" kinda attitude, which so pisst me off even more. i was upset by the results that i broke down in the bus on my way home. HOW PAI SEH?!

PW memories!!

i withdraw into myself now. finding solace in food. i have soooo GIVEN UP on trying to maintain my weight. this chase for appearance is really wearing me down. why am i struggling to look presentable, when i don't even feel satisfaction or elated from it? i do NOT give a fuck anymore. seriously. i will be the size of rasputia, with a uni-brow for all i care. if you are dear to me, you would not care of how i look, would you? unless of course you like the "inexistent" image rather than the person that i am. say "so long" to the weight-obsessed me and "hello!" to the compulsive eater/foodie.

today's entry being in a sort of prose shows how drastic the effects of the day has been on me. if only you knew....

fragility.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 [ 3:54 AM ]

like glass

the "crystal" cold and seemingly solid exterior shatters

revealing my vulnerability.

an odd sensation of weakness

accustomed to self-dependency

a childhood with only myself to lean on

a "hardcore" person, as some may say

yet today this image falters. i find myself needing SOMEONE. for mere support and comfort. simply just to hold me and shelter me from all this pain i am feeling. then i realise that there is NO ONE.

alone

as always....

so on my own i build this "hard" fence around me once again

but i tremble silently inside

what you see, is not what it is truly.

this night

Sunday, April 8, 2007 [ 7:59 AM ]

it is within these few days that god chose to cleanse this world off from sin, where the world cries from the loss of the one true king.
is this the essence that reflects this night?
maybe god chose to purge away my existence. a blessing to the world.
less suffering for all those that look upon me with distate.

yet i question
if god really loves me, why does he not let me be happy?
he stole my heart.
shattered my soul.
diminished my faith and hope
robbed me of my one true happiness.

it is this night that i lose myself.
i lose my sanity
i plunge into the darkness
no longer savable,
yet free in this vacuum
i pray for emotional detachment
the ease of letting go
pray with me, pray for me.. do all this if you love me.

there is only so much one can take. sharp words, painful realities, sacrifice.
parents before me.
words of hate, frustration, disappointment.
love in their eyes.
anguish in their voice for i have been the root of evil that destroyed their haven of moral virtue.
it is me, the catalyst of all things despised.

i sacrifice
for you embody my heart
a parallel to me
i am sorry....

the idea of sacrifice

Friday, April 6, 2007 [ 9:38 PM ]

for the seeming betterment of others(the 'you' that rests in my heart especially)
as i love them
i sacrifice myself
my entire being
my happiness
my sanity
my love.

selfish as it may appear to be superficially
it is only with 'others' in mind that i do it

i remain broken
losing myself
losing my wants
losing my dreams

but i sustain to believe
"others ALWAYS come before yourself"
so do not live in regret for your actions
but remain contented with the thoughts of them being happy instead.
(yet, oh! how i hate it ever so silently. because i suffer and am left in tears alone. i seek for people to understand me. but all they do is condemn me.)

inspired by heartache.

[ 7:20 PM ]

"slept in tears
you weep all so silently
awake in tears
drowned by the feelings of lonely

a build up of hope
broken
not once, but countless occassions
it is a wonder how someone who brought you so much happiness can steal it all away in an instant
you are left in pain and tragedy

a stream of tears
inflammed eyes
why?
a love gone, is forever lost---"
(the degree of how personal this entry is, is up to your own digression. but take it with a pinch of salt. this is all in the good name of writing)

misery.

Thursday, April 5, 2007 [ 7:43 AM ]

all the stress of the past days has left me with a breakout of rashes.
YES.. stress causes me to have eczema. ARGH!!!
aside from that i was not able to go to the gym because of NPCC.
NO GYM= miserably obese TURAIYA! (i guess there's a reason why people call me tutu.. because i am the size of 2 people put together!)
been having a super short fuse these days too. maybe its PMS, or maybe its just me getting more and more impatient with age.

i hope everyone out there would understand the situation i am in. although my life may seem all normal and bearable in your eyes, inversion is what is reality.

appearance-- people eat when they are hungry, enjoy the satisfaction of the pleasure of taste. eating to me is a torture. i eat to survive(once A levels is over.. BYE BYE eating!). i weigh perspectives before i take each painful bite. yet, hunger leaves me in a whirlwind of frustration. i LOVE food!! but its effects simply deter me entirely. looking into the mirror is like a horrible nightmare, which i never awake from. sleep is a rare luxury.. 3 hours and i am contented.
emotions-- never given trust, but expected to trust. everyone doubts me. always lied to. disappointment a ritualistic phenomenon. strength and dependence only in self, for i am alone. facade of smiles. pessimistic. silenced for acceptance. sacrifice for survival. entrapped in expectations. superficially understood. future of failure. identity spun by all 'wrongs'.

fat. fatter. fattest

Wednesday, April 4, 2007 [ 8:38 AM ]

who is fat?
me of course.

consumption
+
digestion
= FAT proliferation

but i did go to the gym. so cut me some slack please.....

to you-- please don't cry so much over your results. overcome the 'brain drain' we will work hand in hand to reach your goal. I PROMISE! so smile for me. as long as i am here i will try to make you happy... jia you! (a little bit of chinese for comic effect)

day "TU" of the week.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007 [ 5:34 AM ]

i think i am getting fatter each day. not an exaggeration!
its like im blowing up.. an inflated balloon.
gosh!(would you still love me?)

well today was a usual day in school.
lectures, "raining" tutorials, nonsensical breaks AND the attack of me being "tired".
decided to escape from PE today because i didnt want to stay in sch till 4pm. DENESH my partner in crime.
went to the gym after and worked my frustrations off.
[frustrated because of a completely tactless person. who believes i am a walking joke, and suffers from no sense of respect for anything. judgemental ass who shoots me down for not being HOLY. for god's sake i am a LESBIAN.. what religiousness do you want?! my cravings for waffles was not satisfied. RUINED my plans for the day! so after all that, just STAY fucking away from me!]

binge myself to death for the rest of the day.

"my prayer
to whom it may concern
to be thinner
and attain satisfaction

its a reality
i faced in a time called 'yesterday'
that fatness is received with animosity
beauty is what is loved today

i do not want to despised
baseness on appearance
i yearn to be recognised
so bless me with a THIN deliverance--"